Unfortunately, just as your relationship has been toxic you can expect divorcing your narcissistic partner to be filled with just as much conflict and drama, if not more so.

The good news is that there are ways you can manage the divorce process to make the conflict easier to handle despite your partner being as selfish and self-serving as possible.

4 Things That May Help With a Narcissist Spouse

Here are 4 ways I advise my clients to use when dealing with this kind of toxic behaviour to manage their divorce as easily as possible.

1. Learn to establish firm boundaries with your narcissistic partner during the divorce process

You know that your partner can be controlling, manipulative and demanding to get what they want. This behaviour is likely to get worse when they realise you want to divorce. You’re taking yourself away from them and that can be a crushing blow to many narcissists, and one they are likely to resist, especially if it makes them feel humiliation and/or a loss of control.

When my client Phillip told his wife he was leaving, she did everything she could to convince him that he was waking out on not just her, but on these kids as well. He had to work so hard not to swallow the guilt and remind himself why he is leaving. It’s crucial not to get caught up in the drama they will try to create and stay focused on the task at hand

It’s important that you set firm boundaries and stick to them. Try to avoid direct communication where you can and talk through your solicitors instead. When children are involved, try to avoid situations where you are alone with your partner when they visit and have a friend with you for emotional support and to act as a witness.

2. Focus on your own behaviour when divorcing your narcissistic partner

Yes, things probably will get messy during the divorce proceedings. Relinquishing control is something that narcissists find difficult to do and they will take it out on you through toxic behaviour designed to manipulate and get a reaction.

The best thing you can do is to stay as calm, collected and unresponsive as possible. Phillip would get bombarded with emails daily about how awful he was. For months before he came to see me, he would respond to each email, defending his position. He didn’t understand that he was getting caught up in her drama and that there was zero chance that she was open to seeing her own behaviour. When your partner learns they can no longer get a reaction from you, they will eventually stop their narcissistic behaviour towards you and turn their attentions elsewhere.

3. Plan for the worst from your toxic partner during the divorce

It’s not easy for a narcissist to move on from a relationship, so expect them to throw everything they have at stopping the divorce or making it as difficult as possible to finalise arrangements. It’s better to anticipate and plan for the divorce to get dragged through the courts and dirty tactics to be used by your ex. Phillip wasted so much time trying to negotiate a separation agreement with his wife without legal assistance. This was a year of bullying, emotional control and unreasonable demands.

Anticipating this behaviour from the start, learning how to predict with a high degree of accuracy how they will react to each situation will greatly increase your confidence and decrease your angst. Advising your solicitor of this is the best approach to take when divorcing a narcissistic partner. Document everything that’s said, save every voicemail, email and letter, and calmly respond to false accusations with the facts.

4. Make sure you have a good support network to rely on during the divorce proceedings

The truth is that it won’t be easy to divorce your partner and escape their narcissistic behaviour. There will be a long period ahead where they are going to attempt everything they can to stop you from getting free of them and moving on to a happier life.

Their accusations, comments, manipulation and outright lies will grind you down so make sure you have a good support network in place that you can rely on throughout the difficult weeks ahead. Supportive friends, family members and a therapist that can help you see through their toxic behaviour and retain focus are important during a divorce like this.

I’ve helped many clients escape their high conflict and toxic marriages and I understand just how trying a divorce in these circumstances can be. I specialise in helping my clients recover from the damaging effects of narcissistic relationships on their health and wellbeing, and I’d like to help you too.

Get in touch with me today to discover how I can help you restore your emotional resilience and happiness. I offer online counseling calls globally.

Divorcing a Narcissist? Know What to Expect.

Although you’ve filed for divorce and want to move forward, your children are still going to have to deal with the narcissist parent. Until they’re old enough to make their own decisions about how to be in a relationship with both parents, they will continue to be subjected to manipulative behaviours and emotional distress.

It’s important that you know what to expect from your ex during the divorce and how this might impact your children. You want to be able to protect them and ensure their continued well-being. Even after the divorce, your kids are likely to be used by your narcissist ex. Nothing and no one is off-limits to keep their inflated ego intact.

 “Since narcissists deep down feel themselves to be faultless,

it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world,

they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world’s fault.”

-M. Scott Peck

Preparing for the future now could save you all a lot of grief in the future.

Your Narcissist Ex Wants to Win – No Matter What

Narcissists perceive themselves as perfect and having no faults.

As a result, your toxic ex sees themselves as the victim.  They will do anything to persuade others that you are the guilty party – including turning your own children against you. Your ex will go to great lengths to control the children, including lying and psychological manipulation.

To a narcissist, maintaining loyalty from their children is an important part of winning the divorce popularity contest. Since their already fragile ego has become damaged, they will lash out at anyone that rejects their own grandiose vision of themselves. Eventually, this will include the children, as they begin to realize that they have been lied to.

The Impact of a Narcissist on Your Kids

All children begin to question their parents’ ideas and principles as they get older. It’s a natural process in forming a self-identity and understanding their role in a family. Divorcing a spouse might prompt your children to start questioning sooner rather than later.

To a narcissist, direct challenges are seen as a threat and will not be tolerated. While your children are happy with your ex and providing the glowing approval a narcissist needs, they will receive good parenting.

Unfortunately, once this stops or begins to be questioned, a narcissistic parent will stop paying attention to them. That is, unless they can be used as a way to turn the spotlight back onto them. Either way, neglect and emotional abuse are likely to be the result.

The repercussions can be harsh for your child, with low self-esteem, stress, self-doubt and a lack of confidence being immediate results. Long-term impacts can occur too. When a child isn’t able to find their own identity and role in a family easily and with support, it can cause severe mental health issues further down the line.

5 Helpful Tips to Protect Your Children When You’re Divorcing a Narcissist

While your narcissist ex is trying to turn your children against you, you’re not in the best position to provide the support they need. Divorcing a narcissist is difficult: you will doubt yourself continually and your children may not open up to you. Especially if your ex is successful in turning them against you.

1. 1. Have your kids visit a counselor or therapist. While they may be reluctant to speak to a stranger, a neutral person is vital. Exploring thoughts and emotions without judgement is vital to keep their self-esteem and confidence high and prevent issues that might arise with their friendships and school life.
   2. Try to keep things as normal as possible in your day to day life. Your natural parental instincts to protect them can sometimes take over – but if you find yourself saying no to things more often, consider why that might be the case. Would you have said no before the divorce? Maintaining friendships, hobbies and a healthy school life are important for your children during the divorce.
   3. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your children. A narcissist will do all they can to turn your children against you, and as a result, you might hear some upsetting comments from your children. It’s important to stay calm and divert the conversation away from your ex – and away from negative, unproductive comments.
   4. Look after yourself during the divorce process. Emergency instructions for a plane crash tell parents to put the oxygen mask on themselves first – before the children – as not doing so could mean neither survives. Divorcing a narcissist creates an emergency situation for you and your children. It is vital to take care of your mental health during this difficult time.

1. 5. Surround yourself (and your kids) with a strong support system. Even the most amicable divorces can feel isolating at times. But when you’re divorcing a narcissist, the isolation can be unbearable. Long-time relationships you may have had as a couple are often eroded. That’s why it’s essential to build a network of supportive individuals who have your best
      interests in mind.

It is advisable to seek a therapist to ensure your needs are being met and that you’re doing all you can to live the life you want to lead.

If you are divorcing a toxic ex and need help in navigating the obstacles and protecting your children, feel free to contact me to discover how I can help you in your journey.

A loving relationship should be a safe and secure foundation for you to express your love for your partner – while retaining your own identity and interests. Experiencing love can cause the release of feel-good chemicals in the brain.

In a co-dependent relationship, you get your self-worth from another person – yet the same chemical reaction occurs in your brain, causing you to believe you’re in love. This feel-good response can mask the underlying feelings of guilt and shame that occur in a co-dependent relationship, which can erode your self-esteem and make you feel even more reliant on your partner.

As a result, your self-esteem, confidence and overall well-being are negatively impacted.

A co-dependent relationship isn’t a healthy one –and it’s unlikely to be successful in the long term.

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”

-Ernest Hemingway

A Co-dependent Relationship: It’s Never Enough

Having a connection with your romantic partner is important. As humans, we’re wired to make bonds with others and create emotional connections, ideally in a relationship that enables our growth- but retains the freedom we need to be ourselves.

It’s not unusual to fall in love and want to do everything you can to make your partner happy.

Every relationship should be based on give and take, but sometimes things can go too far – and you begin to get a sense of self-worth from your partner to the point of becoming dependent on them to be happy.

My client Evan realized something was wrong in his relationship. A successful accountant, Evan fell head over heels in love with Gill. Everything was going well, so they moved in together and were making plans for the future.

But Evan began to realize that he was making more of an effort to please Gill and ensure her happiness than doing things for himself. It was getting problematic. Evan was in a co-dependent relationship with Gill.

Characteristics of a Co-dependent Relationship

When you’re co-dependent on another, you lose the ability to distinguish where your sense of self ends, and your partners begins. This results in a sense of responsibility to meet your partner’s needs – believing it will meet yours. It is also possible for both of you in a relationship to be co-dependent on each other.

Common behaviours in a co-dependent relationship:

• • blaming each other
  • difficulty getting intimate
  • low self-esteem
  • no independent interests outside the relationship
  • people-pleasing behavior
  • poor boundaries (not asserting your own wants and needs)
  • tolerating your partner’s hurtful behavior

Co-dependence in a relationship doesn’t give you the room you need to be yourself or to figure out what your wants and needs are. Why?

Because you are too busy figuring out how to please your partner. As Evan discovered, if he wasn’t working long hours at his accountancy firm, he was constantly with Gill. He no longer spent time with his friends, gave up his gym sessions and felt guilty spending time alone pursuing his hobbies.

The relationship began to sour. Evan felt resentful towards Gill for his feeling trapped: the only time he felt good about himself was when he tried to make her happy.

Caretaker – or Equal Partner – in The Relationship?

Evan came to me for support when he realized that he had taken on more of a caretaker role in the relationship than that of an equal partner. He wasn’t getting back what he was putting in.

When Gill wasn’t around, Evan felt at a loss and tried to do things that would please her – instead of spending time on himself and his interests. All of this wore Evan down: he was suffering from low self-esteem and was losing confidence at work.

During our therapy sessions, I was able to help Evan see the truth of the situation: being co-dependent on Gill was affecting his lifestyle and his well-being.

We worked together on helping Evan establish some boundaries, such as:

• • Being a better communicator
  • Putting his own needs at the same level he’d been putting Gill’s

Over time, his relationship moved away from co-dependence and became stronger as a result.

When a relationship is co-dependent, it can’t be a successful and happy one, because you’re putting your partner’s happiness and needs before yours. You should be working together to create a truly equal partnership.

Here’s the great news: Positive change is possible with the support of therapy, so feel free to contact me to talk about a path forward. Together, we’ll work on defining your own needs and establishing boundaries, all so you can enjoy happy, successful relationships.