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Have you ever felt that your partner is constantly critical of what you do and blaming you for everything, even when the blame lies at their door? Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around your mother and unable to have the good relationship you want to as a result? You might feel that you’re the reason for them to behave this way toward you, but that’s not the case at all. They’re toxic.

Being in emotionally healthy relationships enhances your wellbeing – unhealthy relationships have the opposite effect, causing stress and depression. As a result, your feelings become trapped in a continual circle of guilt and shame as you struggle to find a way to ‘fix’ things.

But here’s the thing. It’s not your job to fix yourself or the relationships even though you’re consistently made to feel like it is your role to do so. The only way to improve your relationships with toxic people is by reducing and eliminating their toxic behaviour.

We take great care to choose who we spend the rest of our lives with, it’s a big decision that’ll change the course of our lives, after all. Unfortunately, we can’t choose their family and all too often, toxic in-laws can make a successful relationship turn sour when they’re around. 

We’re all too familiar with the controlling mother-in-law stereotype, but any in-law can be toxic and problematic to you and your relationship. So, if you’ve been wondering how to handle your toxic mother-in-law or wondering what you can do to deal with your toxic daughter-in-law, this is the blog for you. 

I’m going to share with you the 6 signs that your in-laws are toxic, and the strategies you can use to navigate their behaviours to ensure your relationships remains happy and successful despite their attempts to thwart it.

1. Nothing will ever be good enough

Your in-law will continually make you feel “less than” in your encounters. There will always be someone better that they compare you to, a previous partner, their biological parent they see you as trying to replace, or simply the image they have in mind for who their loved one should be spending their life with rather than you.

You will be hearing constant criticism about you, your career, your parenting style, your home, even how you choose to dress, nothing is safe from their fault picking. This critique might be open and scathing or may come in the form of a backhanded compliment, either way, you can never fully relax and feel at ease around your in-law as a result of this toxicity toward you. 

It’s normal to feel defensive and get upset when you’re being criticised like this, it’s a form of bullying after all but the worst thing you can do is rise up to their behaviour. Refuse to take what they say personally because their criticisms about you say much more about them as an individual than it does about you. Remember that your partner chose you, so ask for their support in navigating this toxic behaviour. 

2. Boundaries? What boundaries?

One of the most effective ways of dealing with toxic people is to put boundaries in place that enable you to have distance from them. Unfortunately, toxic in-laws have a habit of refusing to accept their place in your relationship and will ignore any boundaries you attempt to establish. Want a romantic meal with your partner? Expect your toxic mother-in-law to turn up unannounced with some new life drama that only her precious child can help her with, and no, it definitely can’t wait.  

When your in-laws are seemingly spending as much time in your life or with your partner as you do, you need to be firm with those boundaries. Agree with your partner what the boundaries should be and how to enforce them, it’s going to take a team effort to ensure that your in-laws understand they can’t keep trampling over your boundaries and life in this way. 

Expect some push back but stick to the rules. If you don’t want to deal with them on a night-time, refuse to answer the phone or reply to that text after 6pm. It’s going to get uncomfortable for a while but sticking to the boundaries will help you feel more at ease, confident and happy at home and in your relationship. 

3. They react to everything with drama

Of course, sticking to your boundaries is going to come with a heap of drama, it’s not like your toxic in-law needs an excuse to create drama for you; they can pull it out of thin air! Negative reactions, public scenes, and blowing things out of all proportion are hallmarks of a toxic person, and your in-laws are certainly no exception. 

You can’t convince them to reflect on their own behaviour and the damage it is causing – so don’t get involved in debating or negotiating with them about the behaviour. The best way to respond to this type of toxicity toward you is to refuse to engage with it.  Don’t get sucked into their spiral of negativity, and don’t rise up to their verbal abuse toward you. Take a few moments to breathe and find some inner calm, and then remove yourself from the situation. 

You’ve chosen your partner and not their family, so they don’t have a right to come and force themselves into your life. You can limit contact with them and choose how and when you see them, so don’t be afraid to do just that.

4. They know how to play the blame game

Toxic in-laws are unable to take responsibility for their own actions. They’ll always find a way to twist the truth, gaslight you and others close to you, and manipulate situations so they come across as the victim and you the cause of their pain. 

This can be a difficult toxic behaviour to manage as your in-laws will be brilliant at weaving a story and encouraging others to believe them over you. Many family divisions are caused by just one toxic individual like this weaving a cunning web of lies and manipulation to turn you into the black sheep that all blame can be heaped upon.

You know your truth, and your partner should too. Never accept the blame being put upon you. Do your best to ignore what’s being said and avoid who’s saying it. Calmly explain to others that may get involved what actually happened in a factual way and allow them to make up their own mind who to blame. 

5. “Controlling” could be their middle name

Fed up with hearing that you’re doing ‘everything wrong’? Whatever it is, it’s not the right way of doing it because you should be living life just as your toxic in-law wants you to. They want to make your life miserable, difficult and maybe even turn you away from your partner and they’ll control and manipulate as much as they can to make this happen. 

This kind of toxicity is often seen with children who see you as the bad guy filling in a role in their family that doesn’t belong to you. No longer do they have the attention they used to, and they may feel threatened by this, so they try to manipulate situations to win back that attention and make you out to be the nasty one. 

Whether it is a child or a parent, dealing with this kind of toxic behaviour is difficult to do but you cannot allow them to gain the upper hand. Learn how manipulators turn a situation to their advantage and refuse to give in to these toxic strategies. When you’re able to resist their attempts to coerce and manipulate you their power is gone, and they’ll often become so frustrated they turn their attention elsewhere.

6. You can never predict their next move

One of the worst things about toxic in-laws is that they can be so unpredictable. Just when you think you’ve learned how to navigate their toxic behaviours and things are turning out well, they’ll blindside you with something new to contend with. 

Consistency is the key here. Keep those boundaries in place, keep calm and aware of how they coerce and manipulate, and how they’re always on the lookout for something new to criticise or blame you for. It’s often when things seem to be sweetness and light that they’re waiting for the moment to strike when you give them something new.

This can make it difficult to have a successful dynamic with your in-laws but remember that you’re not in a relationship with them but your chosen partner. While difficulties between yourself and your in-laws can bring strife into your relationship, good communication, clear boundaries and couples therapy to navigate and overcome these issues can steer you away from a rocky road and onto a solid path into the future.

Am I in a Toxic Relationship?

That’s one of the top questions I hear from my clients. For some, the evidence of a difficult relationship is painfully obvious. For others, the signs are sneaky and subtle.

Unhealthy relationships can seriously impact your ability to achieve a happy and successful life. Here are 5 common signs that your relationship is more than just difficult –  it’s toxic:

1. You always feel on edge around your partner.

When you’re around your partner, you feel on edge. You feel exhausted, drained and generally  “blue” – but for no specific reason.

From time to time in any relationship, feeling uncomfortable around your partner happens during stressful times or when illness occurs.

But when it becomes the norm, it’s not normal. Your gut instinct is telling you that something is wrong when you’re with your partner.

A client experienced this uncomfortable feeling with her partner when she came to see me. She admitted she was always happy and optimistic with her friends, but with her partner, she felt low, negative about the future and generally on edge all the time.

This is the time to consider how toxic your relationship is.

2. Your partner is constantly putting you down.

When your partner is constantly criticising everything you do, putting you down and making you feel dependent on them to “fix things,” that’s a warning sign to watch out for.

One client said his girlfriend was always criticizing even the smallest of things like wearing his t-shirt two days in a row or picking the wrong type of lettuce for a salad. She continually put him down with phrases like “You always make the same mistakes” and “I keep telling you this is wrong.”

My client began to believe everything was his fault. Instead of exhibiting a loving attitude, she bristled with contempt toward him and constantly rolled her eyes at him, as if to say, “You worthless trash.”

Sure, we all snap and can be critical occasionally. But when it’s continual and your partner doesn’t make you happy or lift your spirits, that’s a red flag – a warning sign that you don’t want to ignore.

3. You’re the one having to make compromises in your relationship.

Look at your relationship from an outsider’s perspective: Is it balanced, with both of you giving and taking on equal terms, or are you giving the most while your partner is endlessly taking?

If you find yourself backing down over decisions that affect you both and continually giving in to keep peace and let your partner have “their way,” chances are you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

One client found herself continually “biting the apple” at every level to keep peace with her husband. Even if he didn’t get his way in choosing what board game to play, an argument erupted. In social situations, she found she had to continually give in to keep the peace – or face his outbursts, anger and accusations when they got home.

4. You’re frequently gaslighted by your partner.

Are you continually told that you’re not remembering things correctly or that something didn’t happen the way you thought it did?

That’s called gaslighting. It is a form of emotional abuse, whereby you’re manipulated into doubting yourself continually. Controlling partners gaslight because they want to make themselves appear better than they are. They continually attempt to prove they are right and their partner is wrong, trying to make their partners doubt themselves about everything.

One client admitted to me that he felt he was “going insane” because the way he remembered things was always different from his partner. It wasn’t until a mutual friend validated he had remembered correctly – and that it was his partner who was wrong. Only then did my client realize how consistent the gaslighting and manipulation had been and the toll it took on his well-being and self-esteem.

5. You’ve given up asking for what you need.

You’re not getting what you want or need out of your relationship, but you settle on things because your partner never sees any opinions but their own: they seem void of empathy. As a result, you don’t see the point of discussing your relationship because it will fall on deaf ears.

Have you given up working on getting your needs met because you continually get mocked, ignored or laughed at? Many people can relate…

One client admitted that early on in the relationship, her partner was very charming and caring, but slowly she became fed up with always catering to his needs. When she wanted to talk about her feelings, he’d laugh at her, then remind her of all the good things he had done for her. My client ended up feeling guilty for asking too much of her partner, and as a result, her own needs went unfulfilled.

Are you seeing your relationship in these examples? Do you feel on edge, tired, depressed, and/or criticized continually? Does it seem like you can’t trust your own mind anymore?

Know this: Positive, healthy change IS possible. And, you don’t have to go it alone. Help is available.

Contact me for guidance and support in setting some healthy boundaries – and recovering your self-worth and inner strength as we work together to address the consequences of being in a challenging relationship.

If you’re staying in a toxic relationship or marriage simply because you’re afraid of being alone, it’s probably because you’re looking to others to validate your self-worth.

Gaining validation from the people around you isn’t unusual, but if it’s the only way you can get a sense of self-worth about yourself, it’s problematic.

When spending periods of time alone means that you quickly lose confidence and self-esteem, you’re much more likely to seek a partner – any partner – to share your life with – and that individual may not be the right match for you.

It’s hard to imagine being happy when you’re alone, especially if you enjoy being social and around others. That fear of rejection and abandonment can be so great that you’ll put up with abuse and toxic behaviour just so you’re not alone.

Does that sound familiar?

Childhood abandonment issues may lead to fears of being alone

You may share some similarities with my former client:

Nicky was a confident and outgoing person around friends and easily fell into relationships – which quickly turned sour. Nicky would feel taken for granted, bullied by her partners and made to feel like she just wasn’t “good enough.”

Nicky learned that she got self-validation from the people around her – being alone made her feel insecure, rejected and worthless. Unfortunately, this meant that Nicky was drawn to men who thrived off the attention she would give them –  but then would abuse her (emotionally or physically) when they felt they weren’t getting enough attention from her.

It’s not your fault if you’re afraid to be alone.

Our thought patterns and their resulting behaviours usually begin in our childhood, based on our experiences during that time and the lessons we learned from them.

How Our Past Experiences Affect Us

Nicky’s parents were successful doctors who worked long hours and would often come home tired and stressed. Although Nicky felt loved by her parents, most of her day-to-day care was provided by nannies and babysitters, some of whom stayed only for a few months at a time.

She felt her upbringing at home was “hit and miss” and as a result, she struggled to form attachments with those close to her, in case they disappeared.

Those feelings followed Nicky into her adult years and her relationships. She yearned to be close to someone who would stay with her forever, but the thought patterns from her past persisted: the longer she was in a happy relationship, the more insecure she felt about her partner disappearing and this would ultimately lead to the ending of the relationship.

It was a continuous cycle: each subsequent relationship was based on the need to feel less alone and less insecure. Her partners perceived this and used it to meet their own needs.

As a result, Nicky felt trapped in a cycle of needing to be in a relationship to feel happy but trapped with abusive partners who took advantage of her.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Recognize That Any Emotional Abuse Is Not Your Fault

Although you may be drawn to abusers and narcissists to avoid being alone, any abuse that you suffer at their hands is not your fault. Abusers have their own thought patterns and behaviours and are likely to act that way with anyone they have a relationship with.

The first step to breaking the cycle of abusive relationships is to understand:

-You are going to be happier and healthier on your own than in repeating bad relationships.

When I worked with Nicky, I helped her recognize why she was so afraid of being alone and how she could find ways to enjoy her own company. Learning to find self-worth on your own terms is rewarding and a great way to establish new thought patterns that pave the way to happier, abuse-free relationships in the future.

Are you ready to escape the cycle of abusive relationships and emotional trauma?

As a child, you probably dreamed of falling in love and starting a family – culturally we’re led to believe it’s the ‘normal’ thing to do and being single is viewed as a “bad thing.”

But being single could be the better option. In fact, a psychologist found that single people may have more friends and bigger social networks than couples – and are often happier as a result.

In most cases, being alone isn’t the issue. It’s the feelings of abandonment, loneliness and fear of the future that being alone represents for many people that drive them to being in any relationship, regardless of how happy or healthy it is.

I can help you rediscover your love for yourself that’ll lead to secure and fun partnerships in the future.

Ready to get started? Get in touch with me now.

Unfortunately, just as your relationship has been toxic you can expect divorcing your narcissistic partner to be filled with just as much conflict and drama, if not more so.

The good news is that there are ways you can manage the divorce process to make the conflict easier to handle despite your partner being as selfish and self-serving as possible.

4 Things That May Help With a Narcissist Spouse

Here are 4 ways I advise my clients to use when dealing with this kind of toxic behaviour to manage their divorce as easily as possible.

1. Learn to establish firm boundaries with your narcissistic partner during the divorce process

You know that your partner can be controlling, manipulative and demanding to get what they want. This behaviour is likely to get worse when they realise you want to divorce. You’re taking yourself away from them and that can be a crushing blow to many narcissists, and one they are likely to resist, especially if it makes them feel humiliation and/or a loss of control.

When my client Phillip told his wife he was leaving, she did everything she could to convince him that he was waking out on not just her, but on these kids as well. He had to work so hard not to swallow the guilt and remind himself why he is leaving. It’s crucial not to get caught up in the drama they will try to create and stay focused on the task at hand

It’s important that you set firm boundaries and stick to them. Try to avoid direct communication where you can and talk through your solicitors instead. When children are involved, try to avoid situations where you are alone with your partner when they visit and have a friend with you for emotional support and to act as a witness.

2. Focus on your own behaviour when divorcing your narcissistic partner

Yes, things probably will get messy during the divorce proceedings. Relinquishing control is something that narcissists find difficult to do and they will take it out on you through toxic behaviour designed to manipulate and get a reaction.

The best thing you can do is to stay as calm, collected and unresponsive as possible. Phillip would get bombarded with emails daily about how awful he was. For months before he came to see me, he would respond to each email, defending his position. He didn’t understand that he was getting caught up in her drama and that there was zero chance that she was open to seeing her own behaviour. When your partner learns they can no longer get a reaction from you, they will eventually stop their narcissistic behaviour towards you and turn their attentions elsewhere.

3. Plan for the worst from your toxic partner during the divorce

It’s not easy for a narcissist to move on from a relationship, so expect them to throw everything they have at stopping the divorce or making it as difficult as possible to finalise arrangements. It’s better to anticipate and plan for the divorce to get dragged through the courts and dirty tactics to be used by your ex. Phillip wasted so much time trying to negotiate a separation agreement with his wife without legal assistance. This was a year of bullying, emotional control and unreasonable demands.

Anticipating this behaviour from the start, learning how to predict with a high degree of accuracy how they will react to each situation will greatly increase your confidence and decrease your angst. Advising your solicitor of this is the best approach to take when divorcing a narcissistic partner. Document everything that’s said, save every voicemail, email and letter, and calmly respond to false accusations with the facts.

4. Make sure you have a good support network to rely on during the divorce proceedings

The truth is that it won’t be easy to divorce your partner and escape their narcissistic behaviour. There will be a long period ahead where they are going to attempt everything they can to stop you from getting free of them and moving on to a happier life.

Their accusations, comments, manipulation and outright lies will grind you down so make sure you have a good support network in place that you can rely on throughout the difficult weeks ahead. Supportive friends, family members and a therapist that can help you see through their toxic behaviour and retain focus are important during a divorce like this.

I’ve helped many clients escape their high conflict and toxic marriages and I understand just how trying a divorce in these circumstances can be. I specialise in helping my clients recover from the damaging effects of narcissistic relationships on their health and wellbeing, and I’d like to help you too.

Get in touch with me today to discover how I can help you restore your emotional resilience and happiness. I offer online counseling calls globally.

Being in a toxic relationship can feel like being a mouse trapped on a treadmill. Constantly running around but getting nowhere. Clients often turn to me for help when they feel depleted. Plus disempowered and exhausted from trying to fix their damaged relationships.

A big step in my integrative therapy process for helping my clients, is to jump off that treadmill and get on with their lives. I help them recognize that they can’t fix their relationship no matter what they try or how hard they work.

One of my clients, Jim, came to see me two years after he’d separated from his wife. He was in the midst of very painful and messy divorce proceedings. With his ex-wife doing everything in her power to make his personal life and relationship with their children difficult. Jim felt like he was constantly scrambling to meet her demands. He found it exhausting trying to keep up with her changing expectations. Many of our initial sessions were taken up with Jim utterly confused. Mainly at her behaviour which was bewildering to him.

Does it ever feel like you’re constantly working on your relationship without any signs of improvement?

One of the signs that you’re in a toxic relationship is that you’re over-compensating. Both for your partner’s needs and behaviour, but nothing you do is ever right. You feel like you’re constantly trying to please them despite getting little back in return. But you’re the one left feeling responsible for the negativity in your relationship. It’s your love for them and your past conditioning that makes you cling on to the hope. That you can turn things around. But there may be other elements at work here that you don’t even realize exist.

Controlling and manipulative relationships can make you feel like you’re going crazy

When you have a controlling partner, you’re often left feeling betrayed. Powerless and unable to quite fathom what’s going on. And why you feel that things are wrong. It’s the love hormone, oxytocin, that makes you strive to stay connected to your partner. You fight for your relationship to survive even though you feel like you’re going crazy at times.

It may be patterning from your past. That’s making it hard to recognize that your partner’s behaviour is manipulative.

Even though Jim had left his relationship, he was still having to deal with his ex’s controlling behaviour. Jim had grown up in a family that had made him feel insignificant and worthless. If he ever asserted himself or made a request to do something his own way, he would be ignored or told to keep quiet. Jim thought nothing of this as it was his ‘normal’. As a result, he didn’t even realize that he was being bullied and controlled by his wife.

During their marriage she had no interest or even the capacity to work as a team player. Instead, she wielded absolute power over domains. Such as what money was used for and how much time he was allowed to spend with his sister, who he was close with. Any attempt he made to negotiate with his wife was met with rage. Plus an insistence that he was imagining things – this is known as gaslighting.

It’s all too easy to blame yourself for being in a toxic relationship

You might be in a state of denial over your relationship. Convincing yourself that you’re to blame for the difficulties. If you could only please your partner more, then they’ll understand and be loving again. Trying to find accommodations to make that happen taps into your partner’s sense of fairness. It seems like a logical and reasonable way to mend a broken relationship. But when they don’t understand the concept of being a ‘team player’. You keep trying to blame yourself for not being clear enough. Or that there must be more you could do to make things work.

No matter how cruel Jim’s wife was, he hadn’t yet faced up to the reality of who he’d married. He continued to expect that she would one day act in good faith. In the meantime, she left the marriage with all the money and full custody of both kids.

Facing reality is paramount to moving on and fixing your life

When I worked with Jim, I helped him realise who he is in bed with (these days that’s only figuratively speaking).

He began to understand that his ex-wife has a severe personality condition – most likely antisocial personality or narcissistic personality disorder. While this may sound as if we were demonising her, in fact, understanding her condition helped Jim to see that she is a master manipulator who is incapable of empathy. Her personality disorder means she is organised around maintaining power and control, even if it means using her own children as pawns in the game.

Once Jim understood her condition, he was able to move past being shocked by her behaviour and complaining about her during our sessions. This freed him up so that we could develop a strategy for dealing with her actions and enabling Jim to find a way forward with his life.

If you’re feeling trapped in your relationship and feel that it’s going nowhere no matter what you try, get in touch with me today to talk things through and recognize the elements that are stopping you from living your life the way you want to..