toxic partner - Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong

Addicted to Love: It’s Not Just a Song. It’s a Real Problem.

Daniel Lichtman — Fri, 01 May 2020 08:44:05 +0000

Addicted to Love: It’s Not Just a Song. It’s a Real Problem.

Robert Palmer’s 1986 hit song, “Addicted to Love,” wasn’t just fantasy.

“…You like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah, it’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough.

You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love…”

Love addiction is a very real problem that can greatly impact your life. In the world of psychology, love addiction is defined as: a “pattern of behaviours that are characteristic of excessive interest in one or more romantic partners which leads to lack of control, reduced interested and other negative consequences for the individual.”

Are you obsessed with the passion and intensity of a new relationship – relationships that often end abruptly when the excitement is over? Is this obsession having negative consequences in your life?

Seeking – But Never Finding – Love?

How do you respond to these relationship questions?

Do you find yourself feeling lost when it comes to love and relationships?
Do you struggle to find a healthy relationship and make it work long term?
Feeling stuck in what seems to be a never-ending cycle of pain and disappointment?

My client, Callum, felt that no matter what he did to make his relationships work, the love and excitement quickly faded and led to feelings of frustration and loss. What Callum didn’t realize when he sought my help was that he was deep in the cycle of love addiction – and this addiction was the driving force behind his decisions and subsequent failed relationships.

What was love addiction like for Callum?

He was falling quickly in love with new people, almost jumping out of one relationship and into another, driven by the excitement falling in love created for him.

He had cheated on several of his partners while “driven by desire.” As a result, he hurt the partners he genuinely cared for. He experienced some dramatic break-ups and lost his self-identity and self-worth in the process.

Are You Struggling with Love Addiction?

You may be suffering from love addiction if you:

Are afraid of being single and alone
Are constantly craving the thrill of a new relationship
Find yourself daydreaming about romantic fantasies
Daydream at work and make mistakes from poor concentration
Struggle to tell the difference between lust and love
Overlook negative characteristics in a new partner, such as controlling tendencies
See your partner as having more value and worth than yourself

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, you may be in the throes of a love addiction.

It’s Human Nature to Seek Love

From birth, we naturally seek out love and care from another person. Emotional bonds are important so that we grow and develop into healthy and emotionally aware adults.

People just don’t become love addicts. Typically, their parents or caregivers did not offer consistent love and as a result, a child’s need for love and validation was not met. A child is then left with a sense of desperation, fear and a craving to have needs met.

This yearning affects our discernment when choosing partners.

Unmet Needs Can Drive an Addictive Cycle

These unmet needs can turn into a chronic craving that can become so compulsive that it takes over your life. You believe you can only gain self-worth from another person – and that your own self-identity is found within a relationship. As a result, you will do anything to find a romantic partner to provide that care and love to cater to your emotional needs.

Callum discovered that he chose partners to feed his addictive cycle. He wasn’t in love with his partners – but with love itself. He could not grasp why his partners wanted to settle down into a comfortable routine rather than the nightly, exciting lovemaking he craved.

Callum needed this high level of personal attention and physical love to feed the cravings his love addiction created for him – but could seldom satisfy. The cycle continued as he sought the perfect partner.

Ending the Cycle of Love Addiction Starts with You

With my assistance, Callum was able to take a step back and observe his own behaviour in seeking – and keeping – relationships.

Together, we were able to break down each behaviour and:

Discuss how it was dysfunctional
Why it started
The need it attempted to satisfy

We then examined what a healthy relationship would look like for Callum and the kinds of behaviour and thinking patterns that would open the doors for that relationship to happen. We also worked on helping him grieve his original injury of not receiving consistent nurturing as a child by learning how to compassionately work with the sadness and sense of loss inside him that drove his behaviour.

With ongoing guidance and support, Callum was able to break his love addiction. A year later, he is in the early stages of a promising new relationship based on mutual love and respect. He is slowly internalizing what a healthy relationship looks and feels like – and is learning how to sense his partner’s needs as well as his own.

Are you ready to take action and break the cycle of love addiction that’s keeping you running from one relationship to another, yet never feeling fulfilled? Contact me for a consultation – we’ll work together to help you overcome your love addiction.

Developing elegant solutions to complex personal issues

Daniel Lichtman MA (Couns Psych)

Daniel offers single session and multi-session packages of in-person and online counseling. Online coaching allows you to gain support privately and discretely, wherever you are in the world.

Registered Psychotherapist (PACFA Australia) and Certified Transformational Coach (Circling Institute, USA) with over 8,000 hours experience.

The post Addicted to Love: It’s Not Just a Song. It’s a Real Problem. first appeared on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

The post Addicted to Love: It’s Not Just a Song. It’s a Real Problem. appeared first on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

Being in Constant Conflict Is A Sign Of A Toxic Relationship

Daniel Lichtman — Wed, 29 Apr 2020 17:15:48 +0000

Being in Constant Conflict Is A Sign Of A Toxic Relationship

Does it feel you are fighting with knives with your partner rather than pillows? Clients who come to me with unhealthy relationships are often distraught. After an argument or whole series of constant conflict with their partner.

Constant conflict stemming from petty arguments is a toxic relationship

When a conversation over something mundane like when to meet for dinner turns into something else. It’s not unusual for my clients to say that their partner’s rage turns from 0 to 10 in mere seconds. Using hyperbolic language like “you always” or “you never”.

This is what Charlie, one of my long-term clients, often needed to work through after fights with his partner Andrew. Charlie came to see me once in an agitated state because he’d arranged to meet up with Andrew for dinner after work. But had to cancel due to a strict work deadline requiring him to stay behind late.

Rather than his partner accepting that as CFO of a large company Charlie sometimes needs to prioritize his work. Andrew created a ton of drama around the situation. Telling Charlie that “he always let him down” and “never thinks about what he wants”.

Charlie felt so dreadful that he stayed up late trying to mend things with Andrew rather than focusing on the work that needed to be doing quickly that night.

Being in emotionally healthy relationships enhances your personal well-being

It’s not too much of a jump to realise that an unhealthy relationship can have the opposite effect causing stress, depression, feelings of being trapped and stuck in a circle of guilt, shame and struggling to find a way to fix things.

You might feel like it’s your fault that something is wrong with your relationship. You might even have been told that you’re the one to blame. But if there are repeated personal conflicts with the same person. If it’s difficult to communicate with them effectively. You can’t remedy the situation. There’s a good chance that the relationship itself is toxic and the cause of your relationship struggles.

A toxic partner always seems to create drama

What we’re talking about when we describe someone as “toxic”, is an individual that has been wounded or hurt in the past and cannot take personal responsibility for their feelings and needs. Although their trauma probably wasn’t their fault, these individuals can struggle to get past the role of “victim” and will focus on this to get what they need by blaming or manipulating others to get what they want. There are a few ways in which they achieve this.

Creating drama in their lives is a technique used to draw attention to themselves and meet their needs. Just how Andrew created conflict over Charlie needed to stay late to get work done when the reasonable response would have been to accept the situation and rearrange the dinner date. Many years as a HK counsellor has shown be that you need to break the cycle asap.

A toxic person will often ignore your needs while focusing on getting what they want

Another sign that someone is toxic around you is that they lack humility and they always have to be right. They can’t reflect on the harm they may have caused someone. Even when it’s a clear-cut situation and what they have done is wrong, a toxic person will always argue that they are right and list reason after reason why you’re wrong and the one to blame.

When you hear “you always” and “you never” followed by a list of all the things you’ve done that your partner doesn’t like or approve of, you’re dealing with toxicity rather than logic and reason.

Toxic relationships can happen at work too

It’s not just your personal relationships that can be affected by a toxic person. It’s not unusual to have a work colleague or boss that seems to constantly undermine your efforts and pin any blame on you when a deadline isn’t met, or a failed negotiation means a lost contract. Toxic people often become perfectionists to compensate for the way they’ve been made to feel a victim, needing to control every aspect of their lives and the people within them.

Kaye’s Story

Kaye came to see me because her boss gave her a dressing down at work on a daily basis. Despite being a commercial lawyer working for one of the top law firms in the world and having a first-class record with clients, Kaye’s boss would criticize the quality of her work and focus on her personal qualities too. Kaye’s confidence was severely undermined, and she began to question her ability as a lawyer, and sure enough, over time the constant criticism did have an effect on the quality of Kaye’s work.

It is possible to escape this toxic behaviour and improve difficult relationships

The way in which you experience your personal relationships is programmed into you from your early relationships with your parents, family and other prominent people around you from a young age. Your responses to these key figures and their reactions to you create a set of beliefs and values that can have a dramatic impact on how you function in your adult relationships, and why toxic people and their behaviour can affect you so greatly when negative emotional habits have been established.

Toxic people seldom accept personal responsibility for their psychology and the way it impacts others, and until they do see a psychotherapist or counselor to work on their unhealthy emotional habits, their behaviour towards you is unlikely to change. Developing emotional intelligence to understand their behaviour, accept that it isn’t your fault their needs aren’t being met and that they feel themselves to be a victim, and the ability to set boundaries in your relationships is the best way to cope with the toxic people in your life.

I help my clients to set clear boundaries in their relationships

I was able to help Kaye understand that her boss was a serious bully and that the constant willingness to humiliate Kaye every day was a sign of someone highly narcissistic and unlikely to ever change. We worked together to chart a course for Kaye that enabled her to get out from under her boss as soon as possible.

Charlie, on the other hand, didn’t want to leave Andrew, so I helped him to understand that Andrew had an abandonment vulnerability which made it difficult for him to cope with last-minute changes and cancelled plans. I worked with Charlie over a long period to request that Andrew avoid hyperbolic language and to set clear boundaries within the relationship.

If you feel that toxicity in your relationship is making life difficult and want some help to navigate the situation and restore your positive mental health and well-being, get in touch with me today for effective coaching and psychotherapy.

Developing elegant solutions to complex personal issues

Daniel Lichtman MA (Couns Psych)

Daniel offers single session and multi-session packages of in-person and online counseling. Online coaching allows you to gain support privately and discretely, wherever you are in the world.

Registered Psychotherapist (PACFA Australia) and Certified Transformational Coach (Circling Institute, USA) with over 8,000 hours experience.

The post Being in Constant Conflict Is A Sign Of A Toxic Relationship first appeared on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

The post Being in Constant Conflict Is A Sign Of A Toxic Relationship appeared first on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

So Charming…and Manipulative: 5 Signs Your Partner is a Sociopath

Daniel Lichtman — Sun, 12 Apr 2020 14:05:35 +0000

So Charming…and Manipulative: 5 Signs Your Partner is a Sociopath

Could you be with a sociopath? Your partner is charming. Everyone loves him.

In fact, he presents such an appealing image to the world that you think he’s just too good to be true.

The Sociopath Lurking Behind Closed Doors…

But behind closed doors, he becomes a different person. It’s like you’re dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. At times, can be so attentive and loving – but in an instant, his anger erupts and spews forth a volcano of nasty accusations and degrading comments.

Sound familiar?

Your partner may be a sociopath.

While we try to think the best of our partners, sometimes we’re unable to identify that their attitude and behaviour isn’t appropriate – until it’s too late.

Sociopathic partners are so manipulative, charming and clever, that you’ll find yourself reeling in a sea of confusing emotions. You may question your own sanity. You realize something is wrong in your relationship, but your sociopath partner will tell you that YOU are what’s wrong.

“If…you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 per cent that you are dealing with a sociopath…I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him.”

— Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door

What Are Common Traits of a Sociopath?

A sociopath is an individual who has a poor sense of right and wrong and seems unable to understand or have empathy for another person’s feelings. A sociopath has a conscience, but it’s weak and unable to stop them from engaging in immoral behaviour.

When dating a sociopath, be aware that their charm will cause you to ignore any warning bells that you may be experiencing. Their manipulation is superb; oftentimes you don’t know you’re dating a sociopath until they have you firmly ensnared in their web of deceit.

5 Tell-tale Signs of a Sociopath:

1. They have erratic mood swings.

Sociopaths have abrupt mood changes. If they feel their control is threatened, their anger can suddenly erupt.

Since they often lack empathy, your partner cannot relate to your feelings and doesn’t understand why you become upset with their volatile mood swings.

2. They can be extremely controlling.

A sociopath will dominate your life by dictating every aspect to you: who you see, when you see them, for how long, and under what circumstances. If you deviate from their prescribed outline for you, a sociopath will accuse you of cheating, having affairs, or otherwise sabotaging your relationship.

3. They are too good to be true.

Initially in a relationship, you love the lavish attention a sociopath showers on you. He’s exciting to be with, others adore him. Like a spider weaving a web, a sociopath draws you in with his charm – with a goal to have you fully caught in his controlling trap.

4. They take advantage of your good qualities.

A sociopath can target someone who is caring, expresses empathy, and who may be emotionally vulnerable. Skilled liars, sociopaths can feign their pain, as from a divorce or broken relationship. This only further cements them in with an unsuspecting partner who often “feels sorry” for them.

5. You are left to clean up the messes a sociopath creates.

Living with a sociopath is a life full of regular upheaval. Financial problems, family issues or other disputes, all caused by the lies and deceit a sociopath breeds, are typically left to you to clean up (and take the blame for).

“Sociopaths do not care about other people, and so do not miss them when they are alienated or gone, except as one might regret the absence of a useful appliance that one has somehow lost.”

– Martha Stewart

Recovering from a Relationship with a Sociopath

By validating your emotions and having secure boundaries, you can move on from a relationship with a sociopath.

I’ve been helping people recover from toxic relationships and sociopathic partners for more than a decade. I can help you develop elegant solutions to even the most complex issues, so that you can move forward with your life after enduring an unfulfilling relationship.

Imagine being able to think freely again! Envision being able to do what YOU enjoy again! It IS possible – as many of my clients can attest. You deserve a fulfilling life of YOUR own, too.

New!

I’m excited to offer online coaching, which allows us to meet virtually from anywhere in the world. Online counselling is a flexible option that gives you the ability to gain support privately and discretely, on your terms.

If you’d like to setup a time to chat, reach me here.

Developing elegant solutions to complex personal issues

Daniel Lichtman MA (Couns Psych)

Daniel offers single session and multi-session packages of in-person and online counseling. Online coaching allows you to gain support privately and discretely, wherever you are in the world.

Registered Psychotherapist (PACFA Australia) and Certified Transformational Coach (Circling Institute, USA) with over 8,000 hours experience.

The post So Charming…and Manipulative: 5 Signs Your Partner is a Sociopath first appeared on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

The post So Charming…and Manipulative: 5 Signs Your Partner is a Sociopath appeared first on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

Stop Trying to Change Yourself to Make Your Toxic Partner Happy

Daniel Lichtman — Tue, 10 Mar 2020 19:46:47 +0000

Stop Trying to Change Yourself to Make Your Toxic Partner Happy

Here’s a Quick Way to Discover if You Have A Toxic Partner

Do you feel like you’re never enough for your partner?
Do you feel that if you loved your partner more, he/she wouldn’t act the way they do?
Does your partner tell you that your friends and family are just using you?
Do you feel like a dog chasing its tail – trying harder to do more, to do it better for your partner – but it’s never enough?
Have you tried to change yourself – sacrificing who you are in the process – in an effort to “keep the peace”?

If you can relate to these questions, you may be in a toxic relationship.

Stop trying to change yourself!

Changing yourself will NEVER make a toxic partner content with the relationship in any consistent way.

Does Michael’s Story Sound Familiar?

Michael came to see me feeling very troubled about his estranged wife: while controlling 95% of their monthly income, she had also blocked access to their five-year-old son.

It hadn’t always been that way. Over the years, she had been gradually increasing her control and limitations over his life. She continually complained about his friends until he stopped seeing them. Michael erroneously believed that if he compromised and gave in to the increasing demands of his wife, things would get easier.

But nothing ever seemed to be enough. She left him with the feeling that he still wasn’t accommodating enough; over time, his self-esteem began to suffer.

A Toxic Partner Will Never Be Happy – No Matter What You Try

Accept that a toxic partner’s behaviour will not magically change.

That acceptance is crucial to moving forward and finding happiness in your own life.

The psychological elements that make an individual toxic are primarily based on their past experiences.

A toxic partner oftentimes has been wounded in the past and has become stuck in a victim role: everything is someone else’s fault – NEVER theirs.

Michael felt it was easier to give in to his wife’s demanding nature. Because she was in control of their finances, he ended up walking to work and skipping lunch despite his successful career as a lawyer at an investment bank. Whatever he did to appease her failed.

Once Michael accepted that he could not change his wife’s behaviour, he began to think differently about his approach in dealing with her. Although a painful process that evoked a great deal of grief – especially accepting the idea he’d never be able to please her enough to get access to his son – Michael found the starting point for learning some basic self-protection strategies and cultivating healthier boundaries.

The Foundation of a Toxic Relationship

Think of a young child as a blank slate.

As the years pass, everyone from parents, siblings, friends and others write on that slate.

It’s this accumulation of experiences that determines our patterns of thinking and psychological behaviour. As a result, seeking a toxic partner is simply falling into a pre-established pattern that has its foundations in childhood.

Examples of behaviours that can pave the way for future toxic relationships:

over-protective parents that controlled behaviour negatively
being made to feel insecure and worthless
not receiving positive reassurances needed as a child

Michael grew up in a house with a domineering, bullying father who used physical violence whenever Michael tried to assert himself. As a result, this robbed Michael of his sense of empowerment about getting his needs met from a young age. His mother was so busy coping with the trauma of her difficult marriage that she could not emotionally support Michael. He was left to fend for himself.

Michael learned from his mentally and physically abusive childhood that he needed to pacify and please others in order to keep the peace. He was unable to develop the intuition necessary to understand how to get his own needs met, instead of focusing on the needs of others in order to “fit in.”

Being in A Toxic Relationship: It’s Not Your Fault

There is nothing you can do to change a toxic person’s behaviour.

Their behavior is not your fault.

“A healthy relationship doesn’t drag you down. It inspires you to be better.”

-Author Mandy Hale

I can guide you to uncover how you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve allowed yourself to be bullied and controlled. I can help you learn simple self-protection strategies, and how to establish healthy boundaries for yourself that will make you feel more confident and happier with your life as you move forward.

Doesn’t that sound like a great way to start 2020? Contact me today to get started on a more fulfilling life path, one empowering step at a time.

Developing elegant solutions to complex personal issues

Daniel Lichtman MA (Couns Psych)

Daniel offers single session and multi-session packages of in-person and online counseling. Online coaching allows you to gain support privately and discretely, wherever you are in the world.

Registered Psychotherapist (PACFA Australia) and Certified Transformational Coach (Circling Institute, USA) with over 8,000 hours experience.

The post Stop Trying to Change Yourself to Make Your Toxic Partner Happy first appeared on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.

The post Stop Trying to Change Yourself to Make Your Toxic Partner Happy appeared first on Integrated Way Therapist & Counselling in Hong Kong.